♪ Oh, my darling ♪
♪ Oh, my darling, Clementine ♪
♪ You are lost and gone for... ♪
These armadillos are getting to be a goddamn menace.
Why don't they just build cars out of armadillo skin?
Well, shit, Larry.
That's a million-dollar idea you got there.
It'd be a real shame if someone... stole it from ya.
Someone's coming.
Afternoon, boys.
I appreciate your service,
but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take it from here.
Fine by us.
I said, I'm gonna take it from here!
I've recently been handed a rather bleak diagnosis
and may not have much longer on this earth,
so I thought to myself, what a perfect time to adopt a baby.
What's going on here?
What is the Special Division Force?
I told you, we take on cases...
I know what the official explanation is,
but I want to know what we're really doing.
Right now, our only job is to follow
the orders of the Vice President.
Vice President Perry?
The man who not only threw me into jail
but whose administration has been plagued by scandal
since he was elected?
He's no John Nance Garner,
but he's the only Vice President we've got!
John Nance Garner?
He's barely Schuyler Colfax.
Sir, how do we know if we're even the good guys?
Tribeca, look me in the eye.
We are the good guys.
I stole the dead teacher from the cops.
Now what?
His name is Charlie Clef.
Come on, Hoffman. Sorry, Murphy.
Above your pay grade.
He was a beloved computer science teacher
at Freddie Prinze Junior Senior High School in Amarillo, Texas.
He was also the most prolific distributor
of malware and computer exploits in the Northern Hemisphere.
His clients included terrorist organizations,
hostile foreign governments,
and people who want to see celebrities naked.
So now he's dead. End of story, right?
Wrong. Beginning of story.
Clef had just put the finishing touches
on a particularly damaging computer virus.
The kind of thing that shuts down power grids
and publishes your browsing history.
So now he's dead. End of story, right?
Wrong!
Middle of story!
His death provides us with a unique opportunity
to take his place and flush out a high-profile buyer
who recently expressed interest in...
What was the name of the virus?
LamarModem.
Tribeca will impersonate Clef
and try to make contact with the buyer
while the rest of us infiltrate the high school genre
in supporting roles.
I have one question.
One sec.
Any questions? Uh, yes.
Will you be taking questions?
At the end. Anything else?
Is Vice President Perry a crook?
I am warning you, Tribeca!
Now get to Prosthetics for your disguise fitting!
Yes, sir.
Hey. What the hell is with you?
Don't talk to me like that.
I didn't raise you to be disrespectful.
You didn't raise me at all.
So it didn't come from me.
Look, I-I read your autobiography, okay?
I know that you're a lone wolf that...
That doesn't trust the system,
but I care about what we're doing,
and I expect you to care about it, too.
Maybe I'll care if I can figure out
if we're actually fighting for the right side.
Oh, okay, well, that's just great.
Well, you know what?
Besides my birth, this is the first thing you
and I have done as mother and son.
And if that's not enough for you to care about this,
then I guess it's high time
I pick up a few bad habits
and fall in with the wrong crowd.
Let's do this.
You were born Charles John Jacob Jingleheimer Clef
in Plano, Texas, on December 12, 1961.
As an only child, you craved your parents' approval,
and as an adult, you seek that approval from your students.
Your intellectual proclivities unfulfilled
by the banal environment of secondary education,
you turned to the more challenging world
of malevolent software programming.
Favorite food... pizza.
Let's see what we got.
Perfect. Wow.
This is going to take some getting used to.
Now, remember, kids are very different nowadays.
They're very confident, they're sex-positive,
they're body-positive.
And some of them have unwarranted high self-esteem.
If it's so unwarranted, why am I so great?
Good luck, Tribeca.
Or should I say...?
Mr. Clef?
Yes, Delroy?
I can't get my subroutine to run.
Looks like there's a parsing error in line 19.
What's the error? Well, if I told you that...
You wouldn't be teaching, you'd be telling. I wouldn't be teaching, I'd be telling.
That's right.
All right, everybody, websites are due Friday.
Mr. C., can I... No, Tommy, you cannot have an extension.
You're the best, Mr. C.
Charo, Scholls, you're geniuses.
This is going to be a piece of cake.
I knew it.
Come on, Mr. Clef, we're gonna be late for practice.
What practice?
You're so funny, Mr. C.
Glee Club practice.
You're the coach.
We've got a problem.
It's a beautiful day for football practice
as the Freddie Prinze Junior Senior High squad
runs their plays against a mock defense.
But the team's in some hot water this week
after a local paper ran an editorial
suggesting that their team name
was offensive to Native Americans.
I don't know how they got there from Drunken Injuns,
but, hey, I'm just a football fan.
No! Jesus!
Eleven, get your ass over here!
It's a simple read option!
You look for the hole!
If it's not there, you pitch to the running back!
Durphy wasn't in position...
I don't want to hear about Durphy!
His parents are divorcing!
He may be a step behind for a while!
Your dad cheated on your mom, so she's kicking him out.
But that's not your fault, so don't take that on.
Thanks, Coach.
Hit the showers, buddy.
Now run it again!
This time with your head on the outside of your ass!
Yes, sir.
This is Coach.
Oh, hey, Coach.
It's Mr. Clef,
who, when he's not busy selling malware,
apparently runs the Glee Club.
Damn it!
How did we not see that coming?
I don't know, but I did not study up
on anything but computer science.
I don't know anything about F sharps and G minuses.
Look, Tribeca, we are here
to stop the spread of computer viruses,
so you just hang on until you get contacted by the buyer.
And then we will tell the kids their teacher is dead
and we will get the hell out of here.
Fine.
All right, everyone.
Well, obviously I know your names, but maybe just for fun,
you guys can sing your name
and then the thing you're gonna overcome before the big concert.
♪ I'm Maria ♪
♪ Pills and depression ♪
♪ I eat my own hair ♪
♪ My uncle makes me... ♪
- Okay, all right. Next. - ♪ I'm Pradeep ♪
♪ Arranged marriage to a girl that I do not love ♪
♪ I'm Peter ♪
♪ And there's a [bleep] in my locker ♪
♪ I'm Grace and I'm pregnant with Pradeep's baby ♪
We don't need to hear from everyone.
All right, so, should we, uh,
pick it up from where we left off last practice?
Last practice you said that you were going to write
a brand-new song for us to try.
I did. I did.
Okay. Um, and yes, here it is.
I hope that you like it.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, happy birthday ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Oh, my God.
I love it.
All right, great.
All right, should we try it?
Okay. And a one and a two and a...
My water just broke!
No, sir, I have not heard from the buyer yet,
but I did listen to the worst singers
in the history of the world.
I delivered a baby and... Yeah, I can ask,
but I think the grandmother's raising it.
Now, if I could just find some decent confiscated snacks...
And paydirt.
All right, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Okay, love you too.
Hey, what the hell happened with tracking my target?
He got totally spooked.
Now, now, Tribeca, have a seat.
Help yourself to a burger.
I don't want to point any fingers, but she messed up.
Let's not play the blame game!
Always takes forever.
How about Cards Against Humanity?
I masked my IP address with triple DES 168-bit encryption.
My little brother has triple DES 168-bit encryption.
Your technology is so two days ago.
At least I've lost my virginity.
So have I. He just lives in Europe.
Knock it off, you two!
Oh, it's eight players. That won't work.
It'll be a miracle if he shows up at the loading dock tonight.
Where's A.J.? School was out like 20 minutes ago.
I'm afraid A.J.'s having a hard time here.
He's fallen in with a bad crowd.
Oh, Lana likes what she sees.
I don't know about these clothes. Oh, trust me.
Those shorts squeeze you in all the right places,
and in one place that's very, very wrong.
Here. Take a hit of this.
What's in that? Nothing much.
Glucose, Electrolytes, some B vitamins.
What if they test my urine?
That's what this is for.
That's a clean urine in case they test you.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Okay, guys, let's log some miles.
What are you doing?
Oh, shoot, it's my mom.
Wait, Mr. Clef is your mom?
No, I meant to say my moon.
Mr. Clef is your moon? That sucks.
Where do you think you're going?
You are gonna get off that bike
and you're coming with me this minute.
The only place he's going is Stoneybrook Bike Path.
So back off, old man.
I would watch that mouth, young lady.
What are you gonna do? I'm already accepted at Stanford.
You look ridiculous.
This is how you want to spend your time?
At least these people believe in what they're doing.
All right, let's go, A.J. And you know what?
If you do a good job today,
I'm gonna teach you how to shave your legs.
Sorry, Mr. Clef.
I got to go.
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?
You wanted to see me, sir?
Yeah, Scholls, come on in. Take a knee.
You know, this is a big case we got going on here,
and there's a lot of pressure on everybody. Yes, sir.
I'm just a little worried your head's not totally in it.
Charo gets under my skin.
Charo's young. She's hungry.
You just concentrate on what you have...
Wisdom, experience, and a smile
that could light up New York City.
Okay. I'll try.
Hey! You can leave "try"
out there with the dirty jock straps!
You get 'er done, you hear?!
Yes, sir! Now drop and give me 20!
Hello, Mr. Clef.
Who's there?
I am Claude Merlot.
Do you have the virus?
Where are you? I can't see you.
Do you have the virus?
Yes, I have it right here.
But you need to expose yourself.
Okay, I'm doing it.
Put the virus on the ground.
Not until I see your face.
The National Glee Club Championship is tomorrow.
This high school has won every year the past 12 years
under Charlie Clef's coaching.
If you are who you say you are, your team will win,
and then we will make the exchange.
Yeah, well, if that's what you want, fine.
It's no problem with me.
I mean, I was planning on winning anyway.
Until tomorrow then.
By the way, I am not in this Dumpster.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪
Tribeca: No, no, no!
No! No!
You're sharp, you're flat, you're breastfeeding,
and you're, like, amazing.
Oh, I know. I was just faking it before.
What is it going to take for you people to get your act together?
Peter, if you miss your mark one more time,
I am going to thwack you over the head with your own
I am trying, okay? Todd's wheelchair is in the way.
Seriously, Todd, just stand up and do the choreography.
Whoa, that is way out of line.
Todd has Plantar Fasciitis, okay?
You have no idea what it's like to be in his orthotic shoes.
I'm okay.
I'm sorry.
Okay?
I'm guessing that I used to be really good with kids,
but the Mr. Clef who woke up yesterday morning
doesn't have a clue about how to connect with a child.
I thought it'd be easy, you know.
Feed them, water them, shear them when they get woolly.
But it turns out...
it's more than just that.
You have to listen to them and you have to pretend
the things they care about aren't stupid.
Well, that doesn't come easily to me.
Suddenly, in the last two days.
But the National Championships are this afternoon,
and the stakes of winning have never been higher.
So let's make a deal.
You guys try not to be terrible,
and that would be great.
Who's in?
Sorry.
♪ Oh, doo-dah day ♪
♪ Going to run all night ♪
♪ Going to run all day ♪
♪ Bet my money on a bob-tail nag ♪
♪ Somebody bet on the bay ♪
I hate to say it, but I think we have no chance
of winning this tournament.
Merlot's gonna know I'm not the real Clef.
Stop eating your hair!
I can't!
And now, the final club of the night,
the 12-time defending national champions,
The Freddie Prinze Junior Senior High School
Martha Plimp-tones.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, happy birthday ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ Happy birthday to ♪
♪ To you ♪
Whoo! Nailed it!
It's him. It's Merlot.
He's getting away!
Good!
Thank you, A.J.
Don't worry about it, Mr. Clef.
Hey, it doesn't matter that we lost.
You should all feel really... Hang on, Mr. Clef.
May I have your attention, please.
The winning team has been disqualified.
A [bleep] [bleep] has been found
in one of the student's backpacks.
First place goes to...
Freddie Prinze Junior Senior High Martha Plimp-tones!
Good job, Peter.
What are you talking about, Mr. Clef?
You have us plant a [bleep] every year.
Yes, I do, Peter.
Yes, I do. Yeah!